I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.