3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer