Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice