*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
when revenge coincides with naptime
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane