Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
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My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
This is hilarious….
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend