FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
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for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here鈥檚 a song from 2005 I鈥檓 gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[first date]
Her: I鈥檓 really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Just fully made my bed as if I鈥檓 not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he鈥檚 not your soulmate.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Bruh 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
peacock: how鈥檇 the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there鈥檚 your problem dumbshit
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it鈥檚 cold in here. should be fine though
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn鈥檛 work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..