Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Baking is just science you can eat.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.