Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
You Might Also Like
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION