Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
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SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
What if all the cashiers are married?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Was it something I said?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife