Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks