WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.