Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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m’lady
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Extremely relatable.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe