I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.