Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
These are my roll models.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.