Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
You Might Also Like
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
These 3D printers are insane!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.