DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
We’re all getting idioter.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.