my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
i wish i could marry a nap
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.