Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Become ungovernable.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died