Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
You Might Also Like
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things