She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato