The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
TRAIN’S HERE
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?