gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
wtf is a larm clock?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
What do you hear?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.