Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Who says great literature is dead?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
security at the airport getting more straightforward
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I can fix him.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides