The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’