[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
President The Rock Obama
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one