I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Free him
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
We have a winner.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*