if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
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I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?