[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
<—- homeless romantic
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Education is vital
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night