Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Come back with a warrant
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.