Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”