[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear