i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.