I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
You Might Also Like
Not helping
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
😜
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
hear me out : pockets for your socks
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh