I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.