I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
You Might Also Like
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home