Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
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Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search