No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes