Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)