Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
🙂🙃🥹