[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
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5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac