Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
dads on road-trips be like
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
they really do be looking like this
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.