[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
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You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing