WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home