As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.