I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
i want to work in this restaurant
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
🤣could you imagine
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.