Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler