“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.