walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Note to self: always read the final line
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.