Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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