It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting